How To Stop People Pleasing and Start Choosing You.
This has been a major theme in therapy lately. Clients report having a hard time saying “No” and/or engaging in tasks that they want and need to do for themselves. When someone engages in people pleasing behaviors and words, they are abandoning themselves. In that moment, they are choosing to keep someone else happy and comfortable instead of themselves. Over time, the person loses a connection with themselves and often feel like they do not know who they really are. These people often feel unfulfilled in life, depressed, down, and are more likely to get sick.
Sometimes the people pleasing behavior is trained, meaning that our caregivers conditioned us to placate, or it is learned through various experiences. When we grow up in a home with a parent or caregiver that is inconsistent, unpredictable, explosive, addicted, or abusive, we learn to make them happy. This form of conditioning is what keeps us safe and what helps us survive. By keeping the unsafe adult content, there was less of a risk of harm to us. Usually, the child that is conditioned to people please is now the adult that is afraid to upset anyone. This adult is afraid of getting punished (rejected, abandoned, yelled at, hit, etc.). This adult is constantly assessing for others’ happiness and calmness. They are able to pick up on the slightest indication that others are unhappy or uncomfortable. The problem is that his hypersensitive protective part will sometimes misread a cue for unhappiness or discomfort when it none exists. When this happens, the people pleasing individual will panic and spiral.
When people pleasing is learned, it is often from trauma. This tends to show up in clients that have been in abusive relationships or toxic work environments. When client discuss triggers to engage in people pleasing, it stems from the trauma and negative messages they received during the traumatic time period. What’s different about this form of people pleasing is that clients can often remember themselves before the trauma and identify different behaviors, attitudes, and communication. These are the clients that will say, “I wasn’t always like this”, or “I remember being able to say no before ____”.
The good news is that the interventions to stop people pleasing are the same, regardless of how the behavior developed. Here are the steps I have clients use to change the behavior:
1. Set aside 10 minutes each day to be alone and quiet. During this time, get into a comfortable position and focus on your breathing. Notice your breath entering your lungs and exiting your lungs. Each time your mind wanders, try to catch it and refocus on your breath. As this becomes easier, ask yourself what you need/want in the present. Listen to what your soul is telling you.
2. Every day, ask yourself “What did I say yes to that was really a no or no to something that was really a yes?” By reflecting on this, clients are able to identify patterns. I also ask them to track their bodily sensations when they are answering in a way that is not true to them. This helps them pay attention to when they are abandoning themselves in the future. Usually, clients report being surprised at how many times they are not being true to their own needs and wants. This is then motivation to change the behavior.
3. Begin practicing saying no or yes (whatever is true for you). I encourage clients to start practicing giving an honest answer. I will ask client to practice on 1) people in their life that they know are emotionally safe or 2) with interactions that do not matter and are not risky. Examples may be asking a best friend for help. It’s ok to tell them that you are working on being honest and authentic and tell them how they can help you. Or, practice on strangers. For example, when you go to pick up a food order and the cashier asks, “Do you want your receipt?” That’s a great, safe, way to practice answering truthfully. In that example, the yes or no are not going to cause distress or discomfort in the other person. Both strategies allow the individual to create a muscle memory in their brain for authenticity.
4. Check in with how you feel afterwards. After practicing answering questions honestly, check in with how you feel. Notice the positives of staying true to you. Also notice any discomfort or irrational fears that arise because these can be worked on too. Continue to do this as a lifetime practice and notice the positive changes.
5. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for others’ feelings. The biggest challenge is learning to sit with the discomfort of not people pleasing. This is usually where clients struggle. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY. It is also not realistic to think that you can make everyone happy. If that is your goal, you will fail. When this happens, remind yourself– you’re not responsible for others’ feeling. You are not a bad person for picking yourself first. This may need to be a mantra that you repeat to yourself daily. What you are responsible for is YOU – Your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Remember, you are the one that will suffer if you are not prioritizing your needs and staying in alignment with you. In those moments where you are worried about upsetting someone else, pause, take a deep breath, and speak your truth. It’s ok to say your truth in a mindful, compassionate way, or a flat out way. The important part is that you are speaking your truth and not giving in to make everyone else happy.
6. Do trauma work. Do the trauma work through EMDR or Brainspotting (or other trauma intervention) to heal the negative beliefs about you. This frequently looks like “I’m not good enough”, “I’m undeserving”, “I’m unworthy”, “I’m unlovable”, or some other negative statement that convinces us to people please. It could also look like the fear of abandonment or rejection. EMDR and Brainspotting therapies are so helpful in these instances.
7. Begin to set and maintain boundaries. As this is getting easier, it will be helpful for you to set boundaries that protect you from needing to restate your truth. A frequent example that has come up in the past few years is politics. A boundary may look like “I do not want to talk about my political views when we are spending time with each other”. This may help the individual from having to speak their truth repeatedly. It may also look like “I appreciate the invite but I’m unable to hang out during the week due to my work schedule.” This may prevent the individual from turning down plans repeatedly.
To start this process, pick one area of people pleasing you’d like to work on. It may be social, financial, emotional, or other tasks. Start small and start practicing. By using the steps above, 1-7, you will start to notice small and positive changes in your life. You will be happier with yourself, more content in life, and will have more excitement about the future because you are reconnecting with your soul.